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Monday, March 27, 2006

BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT ... LITERALLY!

I've read some of the previous blogs of my writing peers. They're all smart, savvy and full of wisdom. Unfortunately all the wisdom that I once possessed evaporated ...er...well, about 8 months ago. Yes, folks as soon as the bun went into the oven, the brain cells jumped ship. So, I won't be teaching anything this week. I won't be attempting to bring about any thought-provoking topics for you all to ponder, then discuss. I'm just going to ramble on incoherently about what's going on in my life, and hopefully you mothers and wives can impart your wisdom on me – and even you single chicks too. Sound good? Well, here goes.

I'm close to eight months pregnant - with my second child - and I'm seeing a whole new pattern developing. One I didn't have to contend with the first time around. Certain people (these are the people without common decency filters) seem to think I am not 8 months pregnant, but somewhere closer to 14. If that's not bad enough they follow up with questions about HOW MANY babies I'm actually carrying. To which I like to answer, (a deranged smile on my face) "I'm not having a baby. I'm carrying a litter of gray squirrel. The vet thinks there's somewhere between 10 and 12"

The wide-eyed fearful stare I receive from this answer is almost worth the humiliation I feel.

Now, although I live in Los Angeles - home to the size 2 pregnancy jean - I'm not one of those petite, waif-like, actress/mommy creatures you see in US magazine. I'm not exactly Attila the Hun either. I'm relatively normal. I've got a little extra in the hip and butt area, but hey, who doesn't right? I just want to say to these people, "Get a clue! Do you now how ginormous I already feel? Now, you've made me want to run home, strike that - waddle home - grab the two boxes of Little Debbie Easter Cakes I have stashed under my bed and camp out in front of all six seasons of Sex and the City."

This is a deliciously therapeutic solution, of course, but disastrous on the ever-expanding waistline!

I've been told by several abnormally thin pregnant sources to exercise regularly during this time. Lightly, of course. No bench pressing parked cars - my usual 3x a week routine. They say that this should keep the stretch marks, weight gain and cellulite in check. But walking makes my ankles swell up to three times their natural size, I don't have a pool and I feel I need a television in front of my treadmill to really get into it. So, instead I've challenged myself to things like switching sides while I sleep, sitting up in bed when I eat ice cream and, if I'm really adventurous, pointing and flexing my toes while I write. So far the pointing and flexing has only managed to give me a serious leg cramp, which can really spoil the mood of the love scene I'm writing. Ah…writing….a side note - a lovely yet ridiculous task for me right now, as I have a demanding 3 year old, and can hardly stay awake past 7:30. But I press on, commited to punish my three sexy alpha male as I would like to punish all males during these last few months....

But back to the real problem at hand ... As far as my bigness, I do have someone on my side, though. Someone who understands me, the woman. My doctor. A lovely petite creature with chocolate brown doe eyes, who tells me that I'm perfectly on track, beautiful, glowing, making a life with my own...blah diddy blah blah (this is all before she weighs me of course, and has the embarrassing discussion about why I'm producing so much gas I could fuel a jet!) I'm not sure if her comments are genuine… I feel that she probably has to say nice things to me. "Keep the moral up, sister! Just get her to the pushing stage ..." But it's better than nothing, and certainly better than the "You got a hanger to land planes in there or what?"kind of comments. So, to thank her I do something I wouldn't do for anyone else. I actually shower, put on makeup and get dressed in something other than my robe. It's damn hard work, but she tells me I look pretty in my tent shirts! Baby Steps.

Had enough? No? Well then come back tomorrow for more tales from KNOCKED-UP-WRITER-LAND.

And as I try and write this next book of mine with all its sexy, fabulous and highly neurotic characters in it, I'd love to hear the strange, insensitive, cutting and/or soul-shattering remarks you've received during your pregnancies ... Bring it on!

Guaranteed good times!

posted by Laura Wright at 8:04 AM

11 Comments:

Playground Monitor said...: First of all, congratulations on the new baby-to-be!

What I hated were women who told me stories about what went wrong. I mean, you're already worried about everything and then some jerkoid spouts off.

Pregnant women need to be reminded of how beautiful they are and how well things are going to go. I do that all the time with my pregnant daughter-in-law who is 6 months along with her first.

Best of luck! And please post photos like you have with Isa. It's such fun to see little ones grow up.

Marilyn
Cherie Japp said...: Hang in there Laura. I am also pregnant with my second child and feeling reaaly miserable. I am in my first trimester and am nauseous all day, bloated and have heartburn. Added to that, I suffer from seasonal allergies and have spent alot of time lately gagging because of the postnasal drip. I remember well with my pregnancy how insensitive some people could be. I have a small frame so my belly really stuck out. I remember attending a class and one of the other women asked what my due date was and couldn't believe I was not further along since I was sticking out more than she was. I found that especially memorable since you think she would have been a little more sensitive to my feelings since she was pregnant as well. I also remember people asking me If I was carrying twins. People just don't think before they speak sometimes. Anywy, hope you have a safe delivery and hang in there. Basically, I am just trying to get through this first trimester and start feeling a little better.
Estella said...: Congrats! You are almost there, so it will be all over shortly and you will have your baby.
robynl said...: Congrats on the second pregnancy.
I have never been pregnant but after my first marriage and the pill, hence weight gain, a few people asked when I was due and if I was pregnant.
Now that was also embarrassing for everyone involved.
riverlady said...: Don't let them get to you Laura! Being big-boned and liking loose clothing, this never happened to me, but my daughter, who is smaller, had to put up with things like...."You look like an egg on stilts" and "What'd you do, kid? Swallow a basketball?"
I told her what my husband told me. He thought pregnant women were especially beautiful because they had an inner glow that other women didn't have. She decided she liked that attitude best!
christa said...: Now I remember why I only went through it once, 17 years ago.
Latesha said...: Laura, congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure that you look fabulous. You are such a great mom to Isa that the new baby will feel like the luckiest little person in the world.

Your experiences with this pregnancy are too funny. I hope that you plan to use them in a book some day.

Looking forward to more of your pearls of wisdom in baby land.
Anonymous said...: congrats laura
Anonymous said...: Definitely congratulations! Had (2 ages ago) so don't remember that much pre-baby but DO remember that he (the 2nd) took forever to decide to appear once we rushed to the hospital . . . every time is different and every one is VERY special. Try to enjoy!
Dena said...: I'm like Chrita I went through it once 17 years ago. I was MISERABLE sick not the first tri-mester but the whole time!I was in and out of the hospital with my asthma way out of control and horrible bladder infections. I looked like I swallowed a beach ball and didn't need to be told this I knew!!! I understand completely and feel for ya Laura,hang in there,thankfully you are almost there. Do you know the sex of the baby? Whatever you have I know she/he will be beautiful because Isa is so darn cute. take care
christa said...: At least you're not pregnant in summer. I hear that can be brutal. My son was born July 1st (and I'm canadian too, so they set fireworks off every year for his birth day) so I didn't have to contend with trying to be comfortable in hot weather too.

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